Quick Reviews: Seeking, Ted, Abe

I managed to see three movies in four days, and none of them was "Magic Mike." How is this possible? Someone needs to remind me that I'm gay.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World: All attempts to stop an asteroid from crashing into Earth have failed, says the radio at the start of the movie. The world will end in three weeks. We then get Steve Carell in his typical role as lovelorn shlub. We know this immediately because as soon as the radio DJ finishes the news update and resumes playing music, his wife jumps out of their car and runs away, never to be seen again. While some people start partying and having random sex without concern for pregnancy or disease, Carell's character, Dodge, tries going to work as usual, selling insurance. Then he meets Penny (Keira Knightly), and they end up trying to track down his high school sweetheart, the one true love of his life. Since the focus is on their trip and its impact on them, there isn't much focus on the whole world-ending thing. "The Day After Tomorrow" this ain't. So when they're nearly caught up in riots, it comes off as more of a plot device. And the way it ended didn't seem quite right to me. But some stretches of it were quite affecting. My grade: B-minus.

Ted: From the mind of Seth MacFarlane comes the story of a boy who wishes for his teddy bear to come to life, has his wish magically granted, and still lives with the bear 25 years later, both wasting their lives away drinking, getting high, etc. Basically a mediocre episode of "Family Guy" but with more explicit raunch and language, and

Four Extremely Quick Reviews

Seeing as how I saw these four movies anywhere from 23 to 46 days ago, I hardly remember them all that much. I'm just going to throw out my grades and maybe one or two sentences on each. Ugh. I wish I could make more time for this blog. Anyway...

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1 - Stupid moment was when sullen human Bella informed dopey werewolf Jacob that she was pregnant. Jacob takes a moment to ponder it and then angrily says, "YOU did this!" to vampire Edward. You know, Bella's husband. Who else would have done it? My grade: C-plus.

New Year's Eve - A gigantic cast and a gigantic mess. My grade: D-plus.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows - Surprisingly, I tolerated it much more than the first one. My grade: C-plus.

Young Adult: Not quite as brilliant as I was hoping for. My grade: B.

Quick Review: Abduction

In deciding on a grade for "Abduction," I hit upon something: the difference, in my mind, between a C-minus and a D-plus. More on that in a moment. But first, if you combine the title of this movie and its star, Taylor Lautner, you can have some fun. "Ab-duction," because the film contrives to have his shirt off in the first few minutes, and not once more the rest of the way. "Ab-duh-ction," because of Lautner's blank stare and near-complete lack of range, the film's general stupidity, and so on. Lautner plays a teenager who comes across a picture of himself as a toddler on a missing-persons website. That leads to a sometimes-confusing story where Lautner and a schoolmate (Lily Collins) are on the run from both the CIA and Russian terrorists. Sigourney Weaver plays his psychiatrist, except she turns out to be much more. Why do you suppose she wanted to be in this movie? Maybe she figured the presence of Lautner would lead to "Twilight"-sized box office, which would enhance her own paychecks? Alas, there was no real box office bonanza for this one.

At one point Lautner and Collins are on a train, and get to make out a bit in a quiet moment before trouble breaks out. As I watched, I was dumbstruck by what I saw as she raised her hand up to his face: either the shadows were playing tricks with my eyes, or...she's got hairier forearms than he does. Also, the final act takes place at a Pirates game at PNC Park (they filmed this in the Pittsburgh area). If this were real life it would mean there was more action than usually takes place during a Pirates game.

As for that pesky grade, here's the thing: while there may be a lot of bad things about some movies, to fall into the D-level it has to go a bit beyond being bad. Hate has to enter the picture, so to speak. Something about it has to make me angry that I sat through it. It has to make me squirm and seethe and either consider walking out or wish that I had. "Abduction," despite its flaws, just didn't do that. My grade: C-minus.

Quick Review: I Am Number Four

The premise of "I Am Number Four" is this: the planet Lorien was destroyed by alien invaders called the Mogadorians, but nine children (along with guardians) were able to escape to Earth. These kids have special powers and at some point in the future will be able to defeat their enemy, so the Mogadorians are hunting them down. For reasons that aren't clear they have to be killed in order, and at the beginning of the film we see Number Three meet his maker. Hence the title, and the teenager in question (Alex Pettyfer) is in hiding with his guardian (Timothy Olyphant) in Ohio. They had to leave Florida because his powers began kicking in. With faked ID, etc. he enrolls in high school and falls for a girl (Dianna Agron from "Glee"), deals with a bully -- her ex-boyfriend -- and befriends a fellow student whose father disappeared years earlier, and things happen that draw the attention of the Mogadorians. So it's sort of like "Twilight" with a Superman-like twist (alien kid's home planet destroyed, he survives by being sent to Earth, develops super-powers) and a girl from "Glee" who isn't much of an actress. Not horrible but not in any way special. My grade: C-minus.

Quick Review: Vampires Suck

These spoof movies are so hit-and-miss. "Meet the Spartans," "Date Movie," "Epic Movie," "Disaster Movie," "Superhero Movie," etc. are cheaply made, mostly featuring a bunch of no-name actors, and there are usually jokes and sight gags about almost anything, not just the genre they're spoofing. The latest, "Vampires Suck," a lampooning of the "Twilight" movies, also lacks production values and acting prowess (the biggest "stars" are Diedrich Bader as Bella's...I mean, Becca's father, and Dave Foley as the school principal. (Speaking of Dave Foley, the new Kids in the Hall miniseries "Death Comes To Town" premiered on IFC tonight. I'll let you know what I think after I watch it.) The humor, however, isn't quite as unfocused. It takes square aim at all three "Twilight" movies, with only a couple of references to other vampire-related entertainment, and some jokes at the expense of other current pop culture attention-getters. There are moments when I laughed hysterically, and others where the jokes fall flat. Here's a clip of one scene that could've been really funny but is so cheesy (and stereotyping) that it ultimately was annoying:



On the whole, however, the fact that they focused so closely on "Twilight" helped. If you hate all things "Twilight," or are just confused by the popularity of it all, you may get something of a kick out of this. My grade: B-minus.

Quick Review: The Twilight Saga-Eclipse

As with the previous "Twilight" sequel, "New Moon," you really need to be familiar with the books or have seen the prior movies to have any understanding of what's going on. In "Eclipse" you still have a lot of the mopey, dopey stuff between Bella Swan and vampire Edward Cullen (Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson). Edward wants to marry Bella, Bella wants him to make her a vampire first, he wants her to stay human and experience human things for as long as possible, she wants to have sex with him, he wants to wait until they're married, blah blah blah -- I just want to slap these two! Meanwhile, werewolf Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner and his abs) is also in love with Bella and insists that she loves him back but refuses to admit it. (At this point I am definitely on Team Jacob. Edward is such an annoying twerp.) Fortunately, there's more going on here: there's an army of "newborn" vampires being formed, and they're led by Victoria, the vampire who wants revenge on Bella. The Cullens and the wolf pack, longtime enemies, reluctantly agree to work together to combat the threat. There's the painful dialogue and its delivery, but at least there's some action, and a few clever moments. My grade: B-minus.

Vampires Suck

Yet another spoof film -- from the makers of "Epic Movie," "Date Movie," "Disaster Movie" and "Meet the Spartans" -- is on the way. These movies are, to say the least, uneven at best. But the trailer for this one, "Vampires Suck," made me laugh more than I expected:



Combining two of the movie's targets -- "Twilight" and "Jersey Shore" -- here's a picture from the recent Jimmy Kimmel "Twilight" special that featured a spoof by the "Jersey Shore" cast. This is the first time I've seen a picture of Mike "the Situation" Sorrentino and didn't think of him as a douchebag. Maybe he should pretend to be a vampire more often.

Quick Review: Daybreakers

I bought my ticket to see "Daybreakers," went into the theater, settled in with my soda and snack (purchased outside the multiplex, of course) and waited for the film to begin. It opens with a brief scene of a woman writing a suicide note, walking out of her house into the sunlight, and burning to death. Then the title of the movie appeared on the screen, and I suddenly had a brain cramp. Somehow I had gotten it into my head in the moments between buying the ticket and the start of the movie that I was seeing "Legion." I must be getting old.

The woman who burned to death wasn't old, nor would she ever get old. She was a vampire who didn't want to live forever. In "Daybreakers," it's the year 2019 and most of the world is populated by vampires thanks to some sort of plague. All humans are being hunted down, captured and placed into farms where their blood is drained for consumption by the vampire populace. However, time is running out because humans are becoming scarce and the blood supply is being rationed, and when vampires go without blood long enough they devolve into a feral, animal-like state, incapable of thought, desperate to feed. A pharmaceutical company is trying to develop a blood substitute before everyone degenerates, and one of its hematologists, Edward Dalton (Ethan Hawke), hopes that such a product will allow humans to live freely once again. However, the company's head (Sam Neill) has other ideas. Some humans, hiding to keep from being captured, are helped by Edward, and when they learn he's a hematologist, reveal their secret: one of them was a vampire but has now been cured. Obviously, this is not a "Twilight" movie. It's actually a very interesting piece of work, and it's strange to me that the movie's release was pushed back -- it was filmed in 2007. My grade: B-plus.

Quick Review: The Twilight Saga: New Moon

It's important to point out that if you didn't see the first "Twilight" movie, you'll be pretty lost. I did see the first one, and I liked it enough to see "New Moon," which starts out with the mopey joy of sooooo-in-love vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) and his human girlfriend Bella (Kristen Stewart), until trouble erupts at the party Edward's family throws for Bella's 18th birthday. Edward's response is to break up with Bella. So much for love conquering all, eh? Bella is depressed but slowly comes out of it with the help of her friend Jacob (Taylor Lautner). Then Jacob turns into a werewolf...oh, enough. There was not so much action and way too much moping around compared to the first one, and characters' thought processes (such as what caused Edward to leave Bella) left me thinking that these people are kind of dumb.The so-called "Twi-hards" (is this the best nickname they could come up with?) will eat it all up. The rest of us have to settle for stuff like this...

 

This installment set up the whole "Team Edward" vs "Team Jacob" debate. The next sequel is scheduled for a June 2010 release. I'm not sure I'll pencil it in, though. My grade: C-minus.

Coming Attractions

So I've had a few odd days -- between sleep issues and the housecleaning I previously mentioned (that's pretty much under control, at least) and some other stuff. Thus, again I need to do some catching up here. I did manage to see a pair of movies, and hope to get to another in the morning; I really should write about the Eagles, although they are a terrible combination of frustrating and boring right now; and I actually have a political thought that's been sticking in my head for a few weeks. Oh, and my weekly dose of new comics, not to mention a couple of books I re-read a while back. So, until then, let's look at something nice. But what? Something current, perhaps...