Quick Reviews: 43 Gangster Bodies

And we move into 2013 releases (although there are still a few 2012 films I'll try to see, a couple of Oscar Best Picture nominees in particular). I'll discuss these in reverse order of the names in the title.

With the "Twilight" films finished, Hollywood brings us another version of the strange-love-between-human-and-other genre, Warm Bodies. Instead of human girl-vampire (or werewolf) romance, we have human girl-zombie romance. After some sort of apocalyptic events (cue the USA Today with the front page headline "The End?" that I swear I've seen in multiple films), zombies wander around in search of human flesh and brains to eat. One such zombie, R (Nicholas Hoult), narrates, explaining that he can't remember his full name or anything of his life. The zombies can barely grunt and moan, let alone communicate. Meanwhile, the survivors have fortressed (is that a word?) themselves and occasionally send out scout parties of young people to find medicine and other items in short supply behind the giant walls. On such a run, Julie (Teresa Palmer) is nearly caught by a zombie pack until being rescued by R, who became smitten with her instantly. R begins to regain some humanity as he falls for her, but her father (John Malkovich) is convinced there's no way a zombie can recover, so...see what we have here? R and Julie...Romeo and Juliet. Spoiler alert? (I didn't come up with that on my own, to be honest.) At any rate, there's some humor and cleverness to it. Certainly more than in the "Twilight" films. My grade: B.

Gangster Squad is almost like a cartoon. That's not really meant as a compliment. The story of a war between a mob boss and a police unit (loosely based on an actual squad) that's kept "off the books" so they can do things regular cops can't do, such as shoot and kill an unarmed mobster, in 1949 Los Angeles is a violent but simple story, with characters that are pretty much walking cliches. Ryan Gosling (as a cop) seems to be having a ball, but Sean Penn (as the mob boss, Mickey Cohen) brings nothing but histrionics. As good as Penn was in "Milk," that's how awful he is here. And Emma Stone as Cohen's girlfriend, who falls for Gosling's character, isn't at all believable in the role. This grade would be lower without Gosling. My grade: C.

As for Movie 43, after sitting through over a dozen gruesomely awful, disgusting, not remotely funny tales tied together by a movie pitch, featuring all kinds of big names (Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Halle Berry, Terrence Howard, just to name a few), just after the credits began to roll, there was one final story, in which an animated cat is jealous of the girlfriend (Elizabeth Banks) of his owner (Josh Duhamel). You might be happy that it includes pictures of Duhamel in a swimsuit, until you see said animated cat masturbating while looking at the photos. Every one of these stars should apologize for this garbage. The only person who didn't leave a negative impression on me was, believe it or not, Snooki. Of course, that's because, in the barrage of excrement that was this waste of celluloid, I didn't even notice Snooki until her name showed up in the credits. My grade: F.

Quick Review: Life As We Know It

Here's the unusual premise of "Life As We Know It." The movie's about this couple, see, and when they first meet they just don't get along at all, but they're kind of forced to spend more time together and eventually fall in love, but not until after nearly breaking up...okay, this isn't an unusual premise at all. Plus it stars Katherine Heigl, who does this same movie every couple of months, and Josh Duhamel, who reportedly wasn't happy that this image was turned into a key marketing device for the movie. Oh, Josh, you're still more of a pretty boy than an actor, as evidenced by the fact that I want to run the picture shown at left again, so don't fight it.

The thing is, though, their initial meeting was a blind date set up by their friends, who go on to marry and have a baby daughter, and the two oft-bickering leads become the girl's godparents. Then the parents are killed in a car accident, and the godparents learn they've been named in the will as legal guardians. What a gruesome plot point for a romantic comedy! The movie's not that funny to begin with, and not very long after it gets rolling there's this tragedy that derails it for a while. Eventually, though, the formula snaps back into place and the mismatched couple get back to falling in love while trying to figure out how to raise a baby and maintain their careers. There is an amusing sidelight: after they move into the dead parents' home so that the baby can stay in the environment she's lived in for all of her twelve or so months on earth, the women (and the gay couple) of the neighborhood all swoon over Duhamel's character. See, Josh? Told you, you're still more of a pretty boy than an actor. My grade: C-minus.

Quick Reviews (non-Oscar edition): Legion, When In Rome

I'm finally getting around to discussing the movies I've seen in the last 10 days. I've checked two more of the Oscar Best Picture nominees off my list, but first, a swift dispatch of two new releases.

"Legion" poses the question, "What would God do if he became angry with mankind?" In this movie, he sends his angels to destroy the world. But first, he wants an archangel to kill the unborn child of a young woman in the middle of nowhere. Said archangel (Paul Bettany) decides to defy God, comes to Earth, cuts off his wings and seeks to protect the pregnant girl. All kinds of violence ensues, with only a couple of over-the-top moments countering the remaining crap. Among the things that make no sense: why do the angels have to possess humans in order to fight? And if God is all-powerful, why wouldn't he just flood the Earth again, or do something even more permanent? Why rely on this convoluted plan involving angels to begin with? My grade: D.

And I was pretty much right about "When In Rome." A woman (Kristen Bell) who's given up on true love attends her sister's wedding in Rome. Instead of throwing a coin into a fountain and wishing for love, she takes some out. She returns to New York and is followed by the people who tossed the coins in, now magically and ardently in love with her. Conveniently, they're all straight white males, including one who may actually be into her without the magic involved (Josh "Mr. Fergie" Duhamel, pictured -- pretty but bland). Wouldn't it have been fun if she had plucked out a coin that belonged to a woman? Come to think of it, no. My grade: D-plus.