Why The Mayan 2012 Thing Needs To Happen

I saw an article online today and the title of this post came to mind. I thought that maybe the whole end-of-the-world event supposedly predicted by the Mayan calendar should actually happen. Then I kept reading, and found more things that solidifed my view. What were these things? Did Mitt Romney get caught saying something stupid again? Did another pro athlete say or do something homophobic? Did the NFL's scab referees make another bad call? (Oh wait, they're gone now. Our long national nightmare is over.)

Not quite. Just sample the headlines:

Honey Boo Boo Declares, 'Everybody's A Little Bit Gay'

Ke$ha: I had sex with a ghost

50 Cent tweets four-step plan to stop masturbation

Now, far be it from me to discourage Ke-dollar sign-ha from having ectoplasmic orgasms. I just dislike her and don't want to see her or hear about her. But for 50 Cent to cite the Bible as a reason to not masturbate while he's probably out banging groupies every night, well, that's unacceptable. Sorry, man-whore, but masturbation is all some people have. (Looks around nervously, walks away slowly...)

And the simple fact that my sacred blog has now been tainted by the inexplicable phenomenon/unadulterated mess that is Honey Boo Boo is reason enough. Come on, Mayans, put us out of our misery!