Sports Illustrated Tries To Convert Me!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am here today to prove that Sports Illustrated magazine is a front for a secret ultra-right organization seeking to cure gays of their heterosexuality.

Here are the facts:

• In late December 2010 I used some USAirways Dividend Miles for a one-year subscription to Sports Illustrated.
• That subscription's expiration date was January 2011.
• In early January a wraparound attached to the magazine stated: "LAST ISSUE ALERT!" asking me to renew my subscription.
• I did not renew my subscription. See label:

• I have received a new issue of Sports Illustrated in my mailbox each week this month, which is February 2011, not January 2011.
• Today, I received this issue in my mailbox:

• The cover girl is Irina Shayk. Watching TMZ today, I learned that she is the girlfriend of soccer's Cristiano Ronaldo. Other women featured in the issue include Brooklyn Decker, the wife of tennis player Andy Roddick, and Chrissy Teigen, girlfriend of singer (and very sexy man) John Legend.
• Of the hundreds (I'm guesstimating) of photographs of individuals in skimpy swimwear, not one features Cristiano Ronaldo, Andy Roddick or John Legend -- or any other man, for that matter.

Conclusion: Sports Illustrated is trying to turn me straight. The fact that they have continued to send me issues of their publication, despite the expiration of my subscription, long enough to last until the week of their infamous Swimsuit Issue, is no mere coincidence. They couldn't stop my subscription and arbitrarily send me the Swimsuit Issue, because that would be too obvious. They had to extend it in order to hide their true objective.

"But why," you may ask, "would they want to convert you to heterosexuality? Surely it's nothing more than a mere attempt to obtain money from you, or at least get you to use more Dividend Miles?" No, the answer is clear: SI actually stands for "Sinners' Inquisition," a secret cabal whose mission is to use images of virtually naked women to "cure" homosexual men. And I am here to annouce, once and for all, that their conversion attempt will fail. Not gonna happen, "Sports Illustrated." Not gonna happen.

I rest my case.